Dear Older Me…
Friday Reflections #5
Dear older me,
I’ve seen my friends writing letters to their younger selves, looking back in time and contemplating the journey. At the moment though, I am feeling as you might feel when you read this letter; that the journey from who I am now to who you are when you read this has been worthwhile, and let’s leave it at that. Like every single person, even I have expectations of what the future might hold, what you might or should be, so I write to you now, so you know exactly what I have decided to hold on to, and more importantly, what I have decided to let go, in order to move from me, to you.
“You don’t drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.”
As I write this letter, I realize that I’m still lying in the water where I fell a while ago. I’m holding on to many things that are actually holding me back from reaching you. In the last year, I’ve lost friendships that meant a lot to me, or would have been wonderful had it moved ahead. I realize that I’m holding on to those friendships even when those ‘friends’ have given me no rhyme or reason for breaking away from me. I’ve assumed that it is something I did, and I have apologized, but it hasn’t softened them or brought them back. When you read this, I hope that I have let go of these ‘weights’, made time for those friends who have stood by my side no matter what, and continue to do so. It is important that I reconnect with them, for without those who care for me, life would seem lonely, no matter how much I enjoy my own company. Each moment I spend in contemplation of ‘what could have been’, I realize I am letting go of ‘what is’ and ‘what could be’, which is wrong. I implore you, if I haven’t had the heart to let go by the time you read this, please do it before the ‘what is’ becomes ‘what had been’. Let go.
“For a marriage to be successful, you have to fall in love every day, and always with the same person.”
At the moment, my life is about worry and marriage, and at times, a mix of both. I have my own thoughts on the subjects, one that the parents know quite well, but they seem to think it’s time I take the step. It’s not their fault, I know. When you read this, it might be that the situation would have changed. But I want you to know it was difficult to take that first step. I have my insecurities, like any person, and they aren’t something I can share easily with anyone, especially the parents. I hope that when the girl comes, who accepts me for me and doesn’t look to change me too much, I have the strength to let go of those insecurities, or let her know them so she can put my mind at ease. If I don’t give a chance for that girl to fall in love with me every day, then it takes away something from life. But for that, I have to fall in love with myself first, letting go of what I feel is wrong with me, and focusing on what is awesome. By the time you read this, I wish that that special girl is there by your side.
“Miracles begin to happen when you give as much energy to your dreams, as you do to your fears.”
A year back, one of my dreams was realized. A story I wrote was published in a collection of stories. When you look back in time, I am sure you’ll remember that moment too. It validated what I had known for a long time, that I was, and you were, meant to write. I hope that I can now let go of the fear that I am not good enough. Nothing makes me as happy as writing a poem or a fiction. I hope that I have the strength to continue to do that what makes me happy, even when there are voices around me telling me that the magic I find in words doesn’t mean anything in life, that it is just a hobby. Being a writer is a recurring dream, and I am sure it’ll be for you too. I have to let go of fears and worries, the doubts that others push onto me. When I do that, I know I can be happy and shine. When you read this, if the doubts have returned that this is meant to be, I hope you realize that there should be no doubt. This is meant to be. And I hope many more stories and poems flow from my pen till it reaches yours.
“Worrying won’t stop the bad stuff from happening. It just stops you from enjoying the good.”
As I write this, there is something going on that has taken precedence not just in my mind but the whole of the family as well. There’s uncertainty, tension, fear, doubt, maybe even hopelessness. It’s not wrong that I am worried, but at times, the thoughts lead to places that scare the hell out me. Looking back, I am sure you will remember these days too. I don’t know what to do. Even words seem to have become distant. I hope I have the strength to let go of the pessimist, and to find the optimist I have always tried to be. This is the time I need it the most, for even the realist thinks like the pessimist, and waters fear instead of washing it away. I hope that whatever happens from now till the time this letter is read by you, you still search for the happiness even when life throws only adversity. Be strong.
By no means, it’ll be easy. But for me to get to the you I hope I become, I have to. And I will strive to find the courage. And I wish that you do the same for the fears you will have when you are reading this.
(© 6th June 2016)