Without you… {Décima}

The form involved here is a Décima. Originating from Spain, the Décima, also known as the Espinella is an octosyllabic (eight syllables each line) ten line verse. It has a rhyme scheme ABBAACCDDC.


.
An image pierces my eyes now
Fearful to be blinded once more
Voices jangle from my heart’s shore
I thought it was holy, this love
Without you, I’m rattled somehow
No longer a fortress, I find
Visions from past splinter my mind
Unable to weed you from life
Memories that sprout bless with strife
Without you, I find my heart blind
.


Also shared with
OpenLinkNight at dVerse


© Leo 01/August/2011

Poetry & writing to me are to me, a breath of fresh air in a life that is sometimes covered by the smoke of sorrow or self doubt. They also become the sweets I share to celebrate when life offers me a reason to. But most of all, they are to me, my life. For each word I write is a piece of my heart, a thought that just had to find its way into the world.

74 thoughts on “Without you… {Décima}

  1. U are just awesome at ur words !! Really enjoy each of ur poems and the info abt the various kind of verses.So much to learn and enjoy 😉 Great Going !!

  2. Enjoyed the form and the smooth inclusion of the wordle words in a defining poem of lost love. The carrying through from the image piercing the eye of line one, to being blind in line ten, was brilliant.

  3. def a relatable poem….the memories we are left with in losing another tend to take on a life of their own and show up when we least expect them as well…nice write man…

    • Memories of a dearly loved one are quite powerful, and makes one write better, dearer, more from the heart. Thanks, Brian.

    • She is quite recognizing, your little one 🙂 I’m yet to marry, Randy, but it is a write that is from my heart for someone very close did pass away..

  4. Stunning! Eight syllabus per line coupled with a theme – perfect. I have not ceased to be amazed by the rhythmic styles you have come up with so far. Inspires me lots to keep going 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

  5. Leo, working within the tight constraints of a Décima and a wordle, there isn’t much I can find to critique. There are no superfluous words to trim without destroying the eight syllables per line. The first AA rhyme of ‘now’ with ‘love’, may be a stretch, but that’s all I see.

    Perhaps something like changing ‘love’ to ‘vow’ would work.

    “I thought it was holy, this vow.”

    I really like this poem and the form.

    Mike

    • Yes, the now-love rhyme can be bettered I feel too. I hadn’t considered “vow” because we weren’t married, just deep in love. But it does make sense in a way too. Glad you liked both the form, and the poem. Thank you for the suggestion as well, Mike.

  6. Leo—you have done a nice job writing in this form, although your end rhymes in L1 and L4 are not as strong (IMHO) in comparison to your other end rhymes, so I would try to address that. You have repeated the word ‘heart’ in lines 3 and l0, as well as repeated the word ‘find’ in lines 6 and 10. I would switch one of those out if this were mine.

    The word ‘heart’ itself is cliché in that it has become so time-worn (especially in love poetry) that it has lost the ability to draw a reaction in the reader. I would try to come up with some unique/modern/fresh way to state that sentiment (core, self, etc) still in keeping with your syllable count.

    The Caps at the start of each line tend to interfere with the flow of the poem as I read it out loud, so I would drop those as well.

    Perhaps…and feel free to keep this idea or toss to the curb:

    An image pierces my eyes now
    fearful to be blinded once more
    voices jangle from center shore
    I thought it was holy, this vow
    without you, I’m rattled somehow
    no longer a fortress, I find
    visions from past splinter my mind
    unable to weed you from life
    memories that sprout bless with strife
    without you, I see myself blind

    Cheers Leo!

    • Hi Christi 🙂 I felt the rhyme slightly weaker in that set too, and as I mentioned to Mike, I didn’t first think suitable, the word vow 🙂 On hindsight, I think it’d have worked.

      I hear you. Love isn’t always heart based. And the word has become too common too. I’ll work on keeping it fresh next time.

      Your edits are quite fine. Doesn’t take away what I wanted to say. I learn from reading it. 🙂 I’ll however not edit the post now itself. I want to see what others coming in from dVerse say as well 🙂

      Thanks so much for the crit! Points noted, and will be worked on.

  7. Leo, I know I read this last Tuesday and I thought I left a comment, but since it’s not here, I’ll comment now:

    Excellent poem about heartbreak and heartache. Great use of the wordle words and the decima form. The part about memories blessing with strife is an interesting contrast in ideas; one wouldn’t normally think of strife being a blessing.

    Altogether well done. 🙂

    • I’m glad you came back to leave a comment, Traci 🙂 Thanks very much.

      Yes, memories give strife, but if it is sad thoughts about a dear person, then it might not be a curse either I think 🙂

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