Today was a day of realizations and milestones. It has been another year of miserable life for me, and I marked the 22nd anniversary of my birth by cutting a chocolate cup cake with him. I didn’t want to do even that, but he persisted. I couldn’t deny him that wish. Without his support, I wouldn’t be here today. I would be in the heavens watching over him.
It was also our 2nd anniversary of friendship. Two years since he has been pushing me through life and I’ve been surviving. He might have his own problems too, and he says I help him to survive too but I still feel like I’m a trouble to him, a burden of problems on top of his own. I try to manage on my own during the times I feel low, but it helps when I talk too. It’s all so confusing for me right now. He knows me quite well too. Even if I fake my smile so that he won’t notice something is wrong, he’ll find out and get me to talk. I deny that I’m not feeling my usual self, and sometimes he believes me too. Or at least, I think he does.
Today I saw his face at my dinner table. I know it seems weird, but it’s true. He’s miles away but I could clearly see his eyes in my pepper shaker. It seemed like they were angry. I think it’s because I’ve been keeping a promise that he doesn’t like. I’ve broken them before, but I am so adamant with this one. He’s been trying to get me to break it, but with futile outcomes. I know they’ll smile once that promise is kept. I just need to close my eyes, and his face comes to cheer me up.
We’re very different. He and I can never be together forever. He knows it, I know it too. But I think I’m in love. I picture myself happiest when I’m in his company. I realize wedding bells are far off, not even in this life. Till the next life, I want to be friends with him, in the best way I can be. Maybe that way, God will give him to me next life as my better half.
Some happiness is better than none at all though… so I want to never let go of his friendship. Oh well, que sera sera. Goodnight, dear diary.
Salt shaker image from Tess Kincaid at Magpie Tales. Diary Image courtesy Katia Hionis at DeviantArt.